Intentional Solitude
Quarantine is slowly starting to end, and with things returning back to normal, I thought I’d reflect on what this time has revealed to me about love. Cautioned by some of the stories of love being tested, I was worried about what quarantine may do to my own relationship. This was going to be the first time my boyfriend and I would really be spending uninterrupted time with each other in a long time. So while I was eager, I was also mentally preparing myself for moments where I would question if, after five years, we were still in love. However, what I never expected to happen, was realizing how much I had fallen out of love with myself.
This revelation came to me one afternoon when I started feeling annoyed because my boyfriend was busy with work, and I needed some attention. If you’re thinking that this sounds whiny and childlike, then you’d be absolutely right. I had a serious conversation with my boyfriend letting him know how lonely I felt even though we were physically together all the time. I had to accept that I couldn't pull him away from his priorities just to fill my void of loneliness.
In the clearest way I can put it, I recognized I had been short on my own supply of internal self-love, and had been using the love my partner had for me and the company of friends as a proxy.
“It’s a wonder how something like losing yourself can happen without you noticing.”
I was afraid to admit that I didn’t know how to be by myself, even for small temporary moments. Before quarantine, I had a routine schedule of being at pharmacy school for 12-16 hours of the day then coming home to just sleep. I was always in the company of someone else.
I had been focusing all my energy on to-do lists, homework, study groups with friends, going to work, and spending time with the boo, that I had none left to put into myself. I no longer had hobbies, I was no longer exercising, I wasn’t feeding my soul. It’s a wonder how something like losing yourself can happen without you noticing. Distracted by friends, responsibilities, or relationships, I never thought to prioritize myself, because I truly believed there wasn’t TIME to do so.
So when quarantine hit, all I had was TIIIIME. After sitting in my boredom for a month on TikTok and watching Netflix (instead of studying), I decided to start focusing on nurturing myself.
Since everything was shut down, I focused on learning new recipes. I created a zen space on the balcony to breathe fresh air while I studied and I started running and going on walks at the park. These intentional small moments of solitude were the rejuvenation that my spirit didn’t know it needed.
And now with quarantine slowly coming to an end, my intention as I return to a busy schedule will be to create daily moments of solitude. I know there are going to be weeks where I won’t even have time to take a shit (also because I have IBS) but I will find those small moments to refresh and rejuvenate myself away from the distractions. I owe it to myself.
