My Journey to Identity

photo of Emily

I remember sitting in church, learning that Jesus was white. I remember seeing all the photos of Jesus and God and all the surrounding angels, never seeing coloured people. It never really bothered me when I was young. As I grew older, I remember learning that coloured skin had been used as a curse from God. That was hard. But it was okay, because they told me how to feel about it, and that it was no longer relevant in today’s society. But the shame that I began to develop was difficult, and I had no one to discuss it with. It turns out there was shame all around about that piece of historical history that no one wanted or knew how to discuss. I also began realizing how much I stood out because I was a minority.

Then I began to go to school, where I learned that Native Americans were called savages, and black people were called monkeys. It was hard not to feel the eyes of other students on me. Because, although I’m not African by heritage, I am Polynesian and Native American, which makes me a minority. The education system is unintentionally built to erase and eradicate the difficult parts of history: the cruel parts. The history reflects that black people were not considered people; that Native Americans needed to be “cultured” because their culture was savage and non-existent. History does not teach enough about Eurocentrism and the negative effects from that mindset that continue to this day — including the mindset that Native Americans are still considered inferior.

“I began to understand that racism exists in people and in the system. I allowed the pain. I allowed the hurt. I allowed myself to learn and grow. And what I soon found was joy. Happiness.”

I lived a lot of my life feeling and internalizing the idea of being a minority; accepting that certain things were not mine because I was coloured, and subsequently living small so as not to bring attention to myself. Basically, I felt the need to assimilate; to ignore my true identity, because that’s how my history classes were taught — but that’s also how I would fit in. Acting differently than what was the mainstream culture felt as a step towards being a social outcast. I honestly still have a hard time allowing myself to be part of my Native American heritage because I have not completely extinguished the mindset that Native American culture is inferior. But I soon learned and educated myself properly. I opened my mind to the pain of dealing with my racist experiences instead of ignoring them. I began to understand that racism exists in people and in the system. I allowed the pain. I allowed the hurt. I allowed myself to learn and grow. And what I soon found was joy. Happiness.

“The power to feel empowered is yours.”

There was a long period of pain, but then came empowerment. I realized that all the lessons I had learned were wrong. I took my power back, I stopped living in silence, and now I live loudly. I talk a lot in my previous examples of how my surroundings affected me — please understand that I do not blame my upbringing or culture, because I am now old enough to know and grow on my own. I have made the choice to not be defined by what I was taught. That is an important part of growth: you are responsible for your own education.

I live loudly against racism for myself, for my past, but also for my future; for all those who experience racism, and especially for my children. I never want them to feel inferior because of the colour of their skin. I want them to know that they are beautiful and worthy and that the power to feel empowered is theirs. The power to feel empowered is yours.

What does feeling empowered feel like? It feels like knowing that what others might claim as a weakness, a struggle, a barrier, is actually not. A person’s skin colour is not a barrier — systemic injustice and racist mindsets are the barriers. Our gender or sex of being female is not a barrier — the patriarchy is. Empowerment (according to Google) is authority or power given to someone to do something. So please, empower yourself with the authority to define yourself. To define your life. Allow yourself to be the one to set your boundaries. To be the one to set your limits to limitless. Because the world is yours.

 Allow yourself to feel powerful, because you are.